Well, tomorrow is my last day at my current job, and Friday is my first day working for myself. Or should I say, working for God. Either way, I am a little nervous, but a lot excited. This past month has been full of realizations and "ah-hah" moments. Who am I kidding, this year has been full of that! I love the journey despite the hardship and tough processes. I am realizing more everyday that this is what being real means and that the path to maturity and wisdom comes through growing in holiness. Not an easy thing, but it seems anything of value is hard and I am learning not to run from the "hard."

Got an email from someone today who sent me a link to this article:

The Sanctification Gap - Richard Lovelace

I've heard Lovelace's name before. For those interested, this article is a great history lesson on how the evangelical church lost touch with the long-term transformative nature of the Gospel - what others like Willard are calling 'apprenticeship to Jesus'.

"There seemed to be a sanctification gap among Protestants, a peculiar conspiracy somehow to mislay the tradition of spiritual growth and to concentrate on side issues. 'Liberals' sought to commend Christianity to its cultured despisers, and to apply its ethics to social concerns. 'Conservatives' specialized in personal witnessing activity, sermons on John 3:16, and theological discussion of eschatological subtleties."

"God, don't shut me out;
don't give me the silent treatment,
O God.
Your enemies are out there whooping it up,
the God-haters are living it up;
They're plotting to do your people in,
conspiring to rob you of your precious ones...

My God! I've had it with them!
Blow them away!
Tumbleweeds in the desert waste,
charred sticks in the burned-over ground" Psalm 83:1-3,13,14 - The Message

I want to piss off somebody.

Bad. I want to piss off the status quo because they think followers of Jesus are weinies. They think we like to sing uplifting songs about flowers and snuggling with God. They think we like to hear sermons about comfort when things go bad. They think we're all rich, white middle class consumers who don't give a damn about the suffering right in front of our nose.

Well, they're wrong. Psalm 83 is my new prayer. I'm going to pray it until those phrases become worship. Until they become my own words. My whole life I have avoided conflict; I have no enemies. Maybe it's time to change that.

God, we live on a planet that you have made. We live around people that you love, that you died for. Your message is in our hands and in our hearts, but it has been beat down by the crushing weight of a culture that wants only more and bigger idols. There are so many places where your name is being dishonored, but we don't know where we should go first. We need your leadership. We need loads of your grace. Most of all we need your Spirit, because all of this is worthless unless you are in charge and the one doing the work.

What an amazing Life we have. I am sitting here in my home deeply contented with who my Father is and this Life I am abiding in Him. Could it possibly be this simple? I have so many outer circumstances that could so easily devastate me but as I learn more and more each second I never want to rely on my own self again. I can't believe that is has taken me 28 years to reach the understanding that when I rely only my knowledge and my will, change is but a fleeting thing. Within months I am back at the same place or farther away from my heart's desires. I always assumed the desires were flawed but the Spirit has been speaking ever so softly in my spirit that those desires are what he placed in me but I can never get there on my own. Father is the author-- desire giver, and the finisher-- performer. I am praying I may know a True Father's heart and in the knowing my ungodly desires wither and the desires he fashioned within me before time began, he will perfect his way. That is true heart motivation.

Well, I have the wonderful green ashen muddy look of a women in her first trimester. 9 weeks along and this is generally when we begin telling people because I am too sick to hide it any more and if we do have to go through another miscarriage, I'd rather have my friends and family there with me than not. Like most things we don't follow the traditional approach to things. So the word is out. Tell your friends because I am too sick to make the obligatory calls. Just trying to keep up with Jackson, work, our community and keeping up house is exhausting not to mention growing a tiny human. It is very hard yet exciting work. It is at this point that I want to punch every women that says, "Oh I never had to deal with morning sickness." and every time I run to the bathroom (again) I think to myself "Eve, girl if you where standing here right now, I would take you down!" If all stays well, We will have a new little person to blogg about around June 1st. Just in time for summer. The time of year that is the most uncertain for us financially and at the same time school will be done and work commitments finished until August. Ah yes, the duality of the kingdom. Time for the baby but seemingly no plan for how to pay for it. God is good.


But you could join me in this prayer, as I need to be lifted up

"Father, I am stretched further than I can handle. I love the meaningful work you have given me from your throne room and yet I am torn at my physical limitations. I don't want to think about money or responsibility. I just want to enjoy all that you have given me including the sick filled beginnings of new life. I can't keep up the current pace I have and I am angry that the culture tells me at every turn that I have to be super women. I am weak and tired and unable to do anything but cling to you for ...something...something that I am not even smart enough to ask for. Your ways are higher and better for me than any I could ask for myself. I am just desperately hoping that somewhere in all of your Blessed are the..... there is room for a blessed are the working mom's who just can't do another thing." thank you that my life is not my own and I get to live the life you have for me."

Hello from the Twin Cities northern outpost of the West Palm experiment...I was told by Mike that if I didn't blog soon, I'd be excommunicated. So here goes. Right now I'm sitting in a new town, with new coworkers, a new house with new neighbors and its 35 degrees outside at 5:00 in the afternoon...so not much is the same. Taking everyday as a gift from God, taking every hour as an adventure in his revelation of what comes next, and attempting to react every second with the mind of Christ, life has been interesting. My mind has mainly been on growing roots...where ever I'm placed or planted, digging in with people, wanting to see God's kingdom be present.

Most frustrating has been church...don't get me wrong, the church Alison and I have been hanging out with the last few months is full of joy, worship, God's presence, etc. but after 18 months doing things a bit differently in Florida, I've been especially aware of how pure and simple things can be and how complicated we make them sometimes. And what really gets frustrating is how God's people can miss out on how fully enjoyable each meeting (programmed or not) can be. A meeting with a big programmed agenda aimed at "developing a sense of community" can fly right past it. What I have noticed is stuff like, at the traditional church meeting, what people really yearn for (and wake up for) is time before and after the event to talk, pray, laugh, etc. At a home group, after the 4 songs and message are done, a simple thing like asking what one thing is going on with each person that could be prayed for is like cracking open a vault and little bits of real life start flowing out. Of course its not relationships we seek, its God, yet I think that's what I mean. Through real life and expressing it together, God is there. We worship, learn, pray, study, listen...all that stuff happens when we're together. I like Amber's notes a few lines below about deeply wanting to be with God's people over and over. A guy at this home group Alison and I have been going to mentioned that same thought the other night as his definition of "Christian community".

With that being said, I'm very excited about what God is doing and am absolutely positive that God put us here for a really good reason. Bye

I am quite new at this blogging business so here goes.

Devern Fromke writes: “We shall start with Israel as a captive people in Egypt. During more than four hundred years as strangers in a strange land, the family of Jacob increased into a multitude of people. At first they enjoyed privileges in Egypt, but after Joseph’s time they came to suffering and severe oppression. Yet most tragic of all is that during these long years in Egypt, Israel lost all sense of divine destiny and purpose. The vision-perspective which passed from Abraham to Isaac and to Jacob had long since faded. Now in their hour of affliction they cried for just one thing: to be relieved from the galling yoke. How conveniently this served God’s plan. He had waited for this hour in order to bring Israel out of Egypt and into the promised land where He would in due time accomplish His full intention through them. We say—this was what God planned, yet we must first face the question: What was Israel’s primary consciousness?…Above all else, Israel was sick of slavery. Perhaps nothing mattered more than getting out of Egypt and being free from her taskmasters…It was not what she could be unto God, but what God’s gifts and blessing could mean to her.” --Unto Full Stature

This has been a picture of my childish mentality all my life. From six months of absence from my husband due to his working in Seattle, WA, to instant job loss and living on the verge of bankruptcy for the past year I have beseeched the Father for deliverance from these circumstances but always with the selfish heart motivation of not wanting to experience pain. Why do I equate pain with negative things? Why can’t I see that escaping from my present situation prematurely could result in less than what Father’s higher purpose is for His precious daughter. Do I say with my mouth only that I desire to be unto God what He created me to be before the foundations of the world, yet with my heart cry out for instant deliverance from my present hardship. Did He not delight in showing himself strong to the children of Israel. I believe that things in nature are all mirroring the spiritual things of God. The hideous pain of childbirth was a natural step toward the amazing joy of a deeper relationship with my son. Could therefore this extremely painful situation not be part of the joy of maturing into a deeper revelation of my Father? I want to hear the unforced rythmns that are my Father’s heart. I don’t just want Band-Aids in life or instant relief from pain. I want to see hardships with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, as the means of new revelations and fuller understandings of who my Father is.

Suzanna

Great post by Tim Bednar on the e-church community weblog called Leaving Church, but it's really more about how churches have sold out wholesale to business models (excuse the pun).

"The real problem is that churches rely on business strategies and tactics to do church in America. Most of the church is nothing more that a Christian industry that benefit from tax-exempt policies. The holy numbers (market research) continue to prove that the direction of our churches is wrong -- we need a real course correction. The system is broken."

Hey family~ (of course y'all feel like distant 3rd cousins right now since I haven't seen most of you for over a week) In this last week I worked about 60 hours (in 4 days) proceeded then on a 2-day middle school retreat... (aaaaah!) that's all I can verbalize. And I got sick... Is this God trying to tell me something? Does someone want to come scratch my back and feed me miso soup?

I haven't talked to Jesus all week, except in desperation. Ok so now I have to slow down.

By the way, did I tell y'all that my financial turmoil is over... I sold my car and got a certain roommate!

After reading the reports from Soularize (here, here, and here), I have an idea for a new 'emerging church' conference...

RelaxFest '03 - A Chill-Out Party

Description - So you're out there saving the world and starting a revolution in the church? Have you been to all the cool conferences - seen the film festivals, talked theology over a beer, written a dissertation on why Leonard Sweet is wrong, and networked until you can't network anymore? Well, RelaxFest '03 is just the conference for you. Three days of absolute mind-numbing good times. Oh sure, we'll talk about what God is doing in the church - postmodernity, house churching, alt worship, all that jazz - but the primary goal is to be absolutely unproductive.

Location - A resort in the Bahamas. Or at my house in West Palm if you're broke like me.

Speakers - Ha! Are you kidding?

Schedule
Day 1:
Morning Session - Sleep in. Breakfast at around 10:30. Do whatever you want.
Afternoon Workshops - 1. "How to Cure Your Slice" - at the golf course across the street. 2. Spa / Massage at local spa for the ladies.
Evening Session - Supper at local seafood joint overlooking the ocean. Go back to the resort and get in the hot tub. (.etc .etc if you're married)

Day 2 & 3:
Very similar to Day 1. Might throw in some snorkeling, jetski rides, and long afternoon naps.

Cost - If you can get here, we'll let you in.

Let me know if anyone is interested.

Worship Experience - FleshBloodFoodWater
This is a little blurb to start hyping our worship gathering planned for the night before Halloween. I am choosing not to call it an "installation" because it seems that you have to be british or cool to be able to use that term. Anyway, I like worship experience just as well.

"I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you." John 6:53

The idea behind FleshBloodFoodWater is to contrast the "scariness" of Halloween with the violence of the cross, the commercialized costuming and candyfeast with the food of Jesus - his blood, his flesh, his food, his water.

"Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him."

We will struggle with the implications of what Jesus said, just as the disciples did. We will worship, even in doubt, with unresolved questions. We will allow the Father to draw us, even in our incoherence, to the place where the Spirit becomes life to our bones.

"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

Wednesday, October 30, 2002, 6:30 PM
At the home of Suzanna and Mark Rickards
2530 Myrica Rd
West Palm Beach, FL
Dinner will be served beforehand.

If being the church is primarily about relationship and nothing at all about the "meeting" (time, place, who comes or does not come) than it follows that a gathering of God's people should be searching for ways to be interacting with and for each others lives.

I believe that more now than I did a year ago when we started this amazing journey. Peterson was interviewed in a Vineyard Church Planting magazine (Cutting Edge). He said that if he was doing it all over again he would find 5 or 6 friends and commit to go on a journey with them for a very long time and God would work out the rest. Reading that made me feel like..."Thank God we are not totally crazy! If a man much wiser and further along in the journey not only as a disciple but a pastor feels that way, than we aren't totally off in the head."

The statement I made at the top of the blog is sooo true, however, I am very frustrated at how fragmented our culture is. For whatever reason if a person can not come to a gathering space, than I haven't connected with them. It may be 10 days or more before we have a point of contact again to go a little deeper. Lately, I've been very frustrated with that. Not enough of us to go around so to speak. Work eats us up and spits is out, fast paced long distance driving keeps us even further apart, and our own individualistic tendencies creep in at every turn. It is no ones fault, it is just the way that it is. I just hate it!

So how do we really go deeper in community, which already takes a long time, if we aren't able to be with each other more often? Just one of those thoughts that keeps me thinking. Like I always say... a community apartment complex would be cool.....

I need community with God and his people more than I need anything else. I start to get a little taste of that and it makes me desperate for more.

I refuse to try and be profound today.

I'm still ruminating about spiritual formation (from my earlier post). I have the tendency, as many American pastors probably do that have been trained in 'the machine', to think about formation in Christ in technical, abstract terms. We stand back with our analyst hats on attempting to come up with some scheme for "discipleship" which can be just another word for coercion. Most discipleship programs in the church (or in para-church organizations for that matter) are fundamentally informational, on getting the right answers. They focus mostly on matters of the mind and unintentionally leave the heart unchanged.

But spiritual formation cannot be approached abstractly, for example, by trying to discover the "four keys" or "ten steps" to spiritual maturity that universally apply. The only universal factor is God. We are by design as diverse as the color of our skin or the shape of our face. Formation must be worked out in the concrete experiences of unique human beings as they wrestle with how God is ripping away their empty shells and recapturing their Eden identity. This is a gloriously organic process, a phenomenon that rivals any transformation in nature, be it butterfly, flower, or even the slow channeling of river through rock. I'm learning that it is not something to be messed with. More wonder, less analysis.

Hey. I just wanted to let the blog know how much I'm thankful for Amber and Mike Bishop. (Afterall, as we mentioned last night, this is pastor apprectiation month.) Well, I was thinking this deconstruction thing churchwise isn't quite as difficult for me, because after these guys have done all the deconstruction, I just get to come and be a part of the path that they've been willing (and courageous enough) to forge. Well, thanks guys. I'm different than I was in June because of your willingness to be obedient.

I'm spending some recoop time in Orlando with an old college buddy. Playing some golf, enjoying some good meals, and recovering my soul. On the way up I was listening to a tape series by Eugene Peterson called Soulcraft, Introduction to Spiritual Formation. It's basically a seminary intensive from Regent College on Ephesians. Anyway, during the introductory tape, Peterson talks about how the "spiritual" in spiritual formation is really an adjective. We tend to compartmentalize our development into our physical health, spiritual health, mental etc., which is a common way for westerners to look at their lives. Of course, we spend tons of money hiring experts in each of these areas and end up stressed out trying to attend a thousand meetings, workouts, and appointments with the shrink.

Spiritual formation is an understanding of our development as real human beings that is centered primarily on God. God is the central factor in our maturity as whole people. He tells a great story about his son paying $30 for a golf lesson only to have the pro tell him to simply keep his head down and his eye on the ball. Our formation is just like that - very simple - understand that God is the overwhelming force behind everything.

I agree, Mike. Reconstruction means that all those worldly things that sometimes comfort us in our insecurity get stripped away. For example, if I decide that Jesus changes people more by relationship than by awesome talks that I've worked really hard to develop, than I can't knowingly take so much pride in my talks... If ministry isn't about programs but about relationships, then I can't take any credit for this really cool program that I've developed (ouch!) And unfortunately I do tend to take confort in those kinds of accolades... power, ingenuity... whatever. It's is extremely uncomfortable when Jesus is like, "I'm sorry, I'm the center..."

It would be more comfortable if instead of processing through we could say, "Shazam!" and everyone in the world was immediately deconstructed and reconstructed and then we wouldn't have to feel out of place.... We wouldn't have any peer pressure to be one of the cool kids.

Who are the cool kids?... cause unfortunately, I still sometimes want to be like them....

From a comment on my previous post, Mike Morrell asks, "Why does reconstruction hurt?" Here's my reply:

If deconstruction (in the context of following Jesus) is letting go of assumptions, patterns, idols, or whatever gets in the way of authentic relationship with God and each other, then reconstruction is grasping at what things look like on the other side. Reconstruction hurts because it fundamentally means you are no longer in charge. God and his kingdom (the range of His effective will) now takes center stage.

Personally, for example, reconstruction means that I can no longer blindly take all the benefits the modern church handed to its pastors. And I'm not just talking about salary, because pastors have never been paid that well. I mean things like professional status, position, titles, a pulpit to command each and every Sunday, a board to oversee, programs (and people) to manage, and parishioners who give you warm fuzzies because you give them warm fuzzies. Reconstruction means that I make my self nothing, the servant of all, no better than the guy who cleans pools for a living, and simply model the love of Jesus to whomever I'm given to serve.

So that's why reconstruction hurts. It hurts my ego, big time. This reconstruction should hurt all of our egos considerably although it seems like some people are still trying to find out what side of Jesus' throne they will sit on in his kingdom.

Jason Evans mentiones that interest in the blogging phenomenon seems to be fading across the board. Well, I don't know 'across the board' but it does seem that the blogs I read seem to be waning a bit with a few notable exceptions. My own blogging has suffered a bit this month, not because I'm tired of writing, but I find that this old adage applies: "If you can't say it to your momma, then don't say it at all." Well, my momma reads this blog quite often and lately it seems like all I have to write about would be unacceptable for print.

Frequently out in the blog world of the 'emerging church' you hear about the amazing, revolutionary epiphanies and remarkable encounters with the kingdom of God. Less frequently you hear how gut-wrenching it is to lay aside deeply held assumptions about the Christian life and church and what it takes to uncover new ones. Deconstruction is all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is usually you. Reconstruction is even harder, leaving you with few friends and few anchors to hold on to.

So I remain silent, choosing instead to (as Amber says) "throw-up on God" frequently. My fellow journeymen and women here in West Palm will join with me in this renovation.

UPDATE...Checked the blogs, nothing too special. I am now getting off the computer and am going to wash my car.

Paul Fromont references an article on his blog about how church should deal with different generations. I've had other pastors say "So you want to reach young people/post moderns?" and I try to hold myself back from vomiting on their shoes, and I politely say" We want to reach people." Period. No apologies. Every color, age, size, shape and background. Then I want to see them all get together like one big family and really deal with each other and integrate their faith into all that they are in this world. I want to see Jesus in them and through them as a community of people living their lives together for the sake of the world. I really want to see "They will know we are Christians by their love" played out in real terms and not just talked about. I want to see the "kingdom of God" moving us both inward and outward into deeper love for the Father, each other, and the world. I can't help that we are young right now, but we will not be young forever. When we are 75 are we going to start a church for the elderly? That sounds about as ridiculous as starting a gathering for 20 somethings. We need all types in our "faith communities" and we will be a better gathering of God's people for it.